SCENE: Your laptop is on top of your…er, lap. Your feet are comfortably propped up on the coffee table and your favorite beverage is properly within arm’s reach.
It’s fantasy baseball draft time!
Your mind is clear, only wasting valuable head space remembering the exact guy you want to target. Your pick is only two away and your focused eye is on your guy, your thoughts go to how good he’ll look on your team.
It’s your buddy’s pick, then yours…
“SON OF A NERF HERDER!” A knot forms in your neck. A sweat bead forms.
“He just took the guy I had my eye on!” you scream at the online draft feature thingie.
Desperate and unprepared, you clutch at fantasy player facts that slip through your fingers like sand through a…uh…a…thing that sand slips through.
Like sand through a colander, maybe? But one with very big holes.
Maybe a colander that is specifically made for ravioli. Do they make those?
“Will you stop talking about colanders?!!?” you scream to the off-topic voice in you head, frustrated that the attention is drifting from the fact that you only have 90 seconds to make a pick and you have NO FRICKIN’ IDEA WHO TO DRAFT.
It’s full-on panic mode.
I’ll tell you how to panic well:
The first player you want to look for when someone pulls the chair out from under you is one with an alliterative name. Alliteration is always awesome.
Grab Stephen Strasburg, Billy Butler, Edwin Encarnacion or Freddie Freeman. Draft by name, not for stats. You say this is 2nd round when this happened? Shoot, go for Brandon Belt. No way he’s been drafted yet at that position!
If the player you’ve been googly eying gets drafted just ahead of you, then draft an injury-prone player instead. The other owners have dropped these guys lower in their rankings over injury concerns. You can go against conventional wisdom and reach for them!
No way Matt Harvey pitches even 5 innings. Grab him! You have an open slot at 2B? Brian Roberts is your man. Sure, you could’ve brushed up on injury reports right before the draft, but you’re a busy guy.
Draft Old School
Grab an over the hill veteran, just on name recognition. This might be the ticket to revive his career. Is the Mariano Rivera retirement official? Darn! I got it, we’ll focus on the New York Yankees infield instead. Derek Jeter ftw.
It doesn’t matter if they are producing anymore, you just need a name that you can recall when you are under pressure and on the clock. Oh, Placido Polanco! He’s old, injury-prone, likely retired and alliterative! That’s a 1st Round panic pick.
Ok, take a breath. Have fun with this. Just draft the most hillbilly sounding player available. Too bad Oil Can Boyd retired, because that is some kind of crazy hillbilly sounding name.
But I bet Bud Norris is still on the board! Who cares who he is even pitching for, his name sure sounds hillbilly enough.
For every Butch Huskey that didn’t make it in the majors, there is a Buster Posey or Jedd Gyorko. You might not compete, but other teams will fear you if you have a roster full of silly sounding names. Heck, grab Coco Crisp for that matter. That name doesn’t sound hillbilly, but it will have to do until there is a MLB named Pop Tart.
There you have it. Plenty of valuable tips for how to panic well in a fantasy baseball draft. Makes you almost want the guy you were targeting to be drafted out from under you. Almost.
The moral of this story? Have a plan when you go into the draft.