I hate to use the phrase “I saved Christmas”, but that is what happened with this post, a fantasy baseball roster comprised entirely of Christmas movie favorites. American League because, honestly, who here thinks Santa “Big Papi” Clause can play the field?
Here’s the starting lineup:
1. Frank Cross (2B) Bill Murray’s character in Scrooged. As a second baseman Cross is known to be all work and no play, and a tyrant on the basepaths. Whenever someone on the team makes an error, Cross is known to scream, “Now I have to kill all of all!” and his teammates’ eyes fill with fear.
2. Cousin Eddie (3B) Randy Quaid’s character in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. He insists on wearing a dickey under his baseball uniform and consistenly overflows the crapper, but darned if he isn’t always there for his teammates.
3. George Bailey (1B) Jimmy Stewart’s character in It’s a Wonderful Life. Quite frankly, the team couldn’t imagine what it would be like without ‘ole George on the team.
4. Santa Clause (DH) Played by Tim Allen in the Santa Clause. This Santa is just growing into his role, but who else do you want at clean-up besides the big man himself.
5. John McClane (RF) Bruce Willis’ character in Die Hard. Who better to save your baseball team on Christmas Eve than Officer John McClane? But he does have a couple of odd quirks, such as playing the field barefoot and insisting on being violent toward his teammates and, well, pretty much everyone.
6. Clark Griswald (LF) Chevy Chase’s character in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. He’s always got big plans and even bigger ideas, but he does it all on the field, always gets the team excited to play and he keeps the team loose on road trips.
7. Ralphie (C) From A Christmas Story. He’s got a B.B. gun for an arm and he whines all the time. No one knows why he continues to be on the team.
Macauley Caulkin typically travels with the team and is a fine fourth outfielder, known for his pranks like dropping tacks around the clubhouse. But he missed the bus in this road trip and was left Home Alone.
Frostie the Snowman, Scrooge, and the Grinch form the front end of baseball’s most formidable rotation, but the ace of the pitching staff is it’s closer, Buddy the Elf. He throws nothing but heat and always hits his spots.